First day at work, readjusting to normal life, etc.

Well, today was my first day back at work. I’d say it was a difficult success.

Difficult because though I’m not having full-blown schizophrenic episodes, I still get this paranoid feeling that I’m receiving a lot of aggression from my coworkers, and there’s always this sexual tension in the air that is really inappropriate for a professional workplace.

I’m still waiting to hear back from the people that find a therapist for me. I’m definitely going to start going to individual therapy. The blanket statement coping mechanisms-deep breathing, awareness of surroundings–from my health insurance provider just doesn’t cut it for me. I need some deep one-on-one analysis of my problems, and I need someone to see things from my side, the side where they are real, where my coworkers really do sexually harass me, and to have someone understand what that’s like and try to help me cope with it instead of blowing it off like typical schizophrenia.

I don’t think I’ll be writing as much poetry anymore now that I’m off leave. It’s just a decision.

I AM glad I’m not sitting around the house all day anymore. There was nothing for me to do here. My mom would say, “Help us get rich by designing the computer game!” but that’s not something I can do. I don’t know why but I can’t force myself to do it. My brain refuses, and I wish it didn’t. I wish I could settle down and enjoy cognitive engagement in intellectually stimulating and creative activities. I think I’m just too simple a person for what she needs out of me.

I’m on the last chapter of the book I’m reading about lesbians. It was a “good” book that I recognized as objectively good, but that I didn’t really enjoy reading. I liked it, but it was more hard work than leisure. I’m saving the last chapter for a good time and I already know the next book I’m going to read. It’s in the family’s personal library, or from rather. Apparently it’s 50 years old, first publication.

I have to go to the gym now. Gotta cut out the belly fat. It’s taking so long… But I increased my dose of cardio recently so that should help.

Bye for now.

varjak

 

PS: I’ve decided that my boss is a good person and I’m going to be more communicative with him from now on. i think that can help me. I need someone to rely on.

DOE

Okay I’m learning to use my tools and I think now is the time for a blog entry.

I’m going to learn DOE in my free time at home and at work. Then I’m going to use it to do something at work that I’ve wanted to do for a very long time and I will be lauded and rewarded and possibly promoted at work for it.

It’s funny because the first two videos in the method introduction toolkit I got access to through the company that designs the software, is from the 50s or 60s (its in black n white). But they say the concepts are still valid to this day. i like the style throwback.

Nothing is needed. Nothing is necessary. Let’s see if I can spell that right after all these years. And yes in fact I  can. Let’s write the script for a television show. Another let’s. Let’s gamble. Propaganda.. Spelled with the oculars. Incipit. Careful. Studious. Misled. Designed. Propaganda.

It’s all spell-backwards and I’m insidious. Nation notion propaganda.

It’s all incipient and I’m propaganda. Then there’s notion. The notion is notational but it’s not propaganda. Then there’s propaganda. It’s studious. But let go of it and it falls. It’s supposed to fall. That’s the beauty of it. That’s the beauty of black and white. Film photography. School. Addendums, I’m sorry.

Leave you for now. I’m digressing. From the nation.

part i

I’m here now. The gym was alright. I was harassed the first half and then it went away unnoticably. How do you spell unnoticably. Anyway inserted somewhere abouts here. Somewhere abouts. The woods. Spellbound. Decrepit. Maze. Lost. Catch and found. Abundant. Clear. The woods. Spellbound. Lingering like the rose. Rose in the morning, caught and found. Never abundant, clear. Still, lingering. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to go. This maze. Lost. Abundantly clear. The woods. Never lost. Don’t know where to go. Cringe-worthy. Fantastic. Notes. Boats. And clever words.

Paragraph. The distillery. Wanton.

Paragraph.

Stains.

Paragraph.

Period.

 

You have to make your own salad. And eat it.

more: gym, psychiatry, harassment, how is the world in my head including the torment of others against me

I wish there was somewhere to go. I have no life. I started using instagram but no one really posts that often or anything interesting. I mean, the product of the volume and quality of the posts is insignificant/little-to-no-difference in my life.

These roasted chickpeas. Great snack. I’m not eating any.

I need to learn how to use paragraphs again. And what the difference between writing and talking is. I’ve been told my sarcasm doesn’t come through in writing. Which means I still have a lot to learn (about writing).

Case in point.

Still vaping. Are there things on my mind? Let’s find out.

Where does this come from. How do I do it. What is going on.

There’s nothing. There’s nothing here.

I’m into the scene. The improv scene. I take standards lightly. I’m medicated and self-medicated, and  hopefully the DEA eases up on kratom. I don’t think it ever caused any of my symptoms. It was pretty obvious to me that it did not. I just have schizoaffective disorder. When will my psychiatrist see that? I guess I will have to lie to him (now that I have the opportunity to do so once again) that I am not on the herbal supplement, by telling him that I am not (which I have been already, but I went back o n it and it’s helping). And then let’s see what he comes to conclusion about with regards to my psychosis, delirium, etc. Hearing voices is a good thing. It still feels like the morning and it’s alread time withheld due to privacy concerns but you can guess huh. I blew it.

Brother’s home so I have to go to the gym at 7:30.

You could learn like all these details about my life and stalk me without ever knowing my name. What an interesting thing.

Do you?

I don’t mean that. I’m just talking. To get the money, you have to talk. These chickpeas sure are something by the side of my computer monitor. I hope my brother had a good day at work. I won’t reveal too many details but he has a “mobile lifestyle”. That’s misleading enough to work. he graons when I type that haha. Feigned laughter.

I’m still vaping. That’s all I do. I’m never productive and when I go to work I will vape less so my lungs will thank me, as well as my circulatory system because apparently nicotine causes vasoconstriction. What’s the opposite? Quiz question. Answer: vasodilation.

I have nothing to do. What do I do. I don’t know what to say. I have nothing to say. Who are you? This is so weird. I have to go back to work soon.

This is a good place to stop byt[sic.] I’m feeling the stream coming on so that’s a good thing. What else is there to say/[sic.] I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. Why do people always harass me and hurt me. I don’t understand. It’d make sense if it was just one  person, but from everyone blanket statement it doesn’t make sense. At least I’m wearing the right underwear today. Girl’s underwear. Makes me feel better. Unfortunately male genitalia are still too large. It’s a shame. I think girls look better in underwear than guys. What else do I say. I’m not sure what to do. I have to go back to work soon. I’m still vaping. I will vape less at work and my lungs will thank me for it. These chickpeas are still by the side of my desk computer monitor. My computer is not so good. it doesn’t even load webpages very well. Neuropathy. I tried ibuprofen and it doesn’t help. Now I have to read textbooks but I don’t have the capacity to read textbooks. I’m still vaping. I don’t know what to do. I had kratom throughout the day and it helps. I’m being careful not to develop an addiction. I’m just addicted to relief from suffering. There’s a giant unmet medical need for mental health medication that’s fast, effective in terms of the population it works for and the degree to which it works for each individual, and with minimal side-effects and low overdose potential. i think that last one is important. I don’t know what to say. I have nothing to do.

Okay new paragraph. I’m still vaping. Arguments all the time. I’m always in an argument against my will. I don’t know what’s wrong. I never know what’s wrong.

Now I don’t know what to say or what to do. But I’m not having a panic attack. Not all panic attacks show physiological symptoms, don’t be fooled by the lies. What you have cuold be panic attacks. If it makes you feel better to know that’s what they are, then go ahead nad know it. Better nad know it. Optimization problem <–

What else. I don’t have anything to say. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. Hold on I have to brb and do a chore quickly.


Okay I took care of the chore. Though I have to go to the gym every day, which is a pain mostly because I am subliminally harassed by all the strangers there, including sexually, something. i forgot what I was going to say. You finish the sentence.

I have to go the gym tonight as well. I’m still vaping. Do I vape too much? I do believe there are many unrecognized and possibly recognizable with the correct analytical equipment toxics including neurotoxins in the environment in which people live, including myself.

My medical program hasn’t even taught me how to recognize paranoia. You’d think that would be a very basic thing to teach in a congitive behavioral therapy class but they never talked about that. I stopped going because it did not help with my pain spikes and other people harassing me. It’s hard for me to understand how increasing one’s cognitive self-intervention capacity is supposed to change the behavior of other people whom you are not interacting with but who aggress towards you.

What else am I supposed to say now. I should do more chores. I have to go to the gym this evening. I don’t like going to the gym because people harass me there, including sexually. Most people sexually harass me most of the time. I have to eat dinner before I go. I didn’t have lunch as I had no appetite. I think my body is finally feasting on its fat insteading of producing more. Did you see the psychogrammatical twist there? Interesting. Stomach ache. I have to go to the gym tonight which I hate because people sexually harass me there for no reason. I don’t like people who harass me because it hurts.

I think this blog post it long enough. I could go on but I’ll leave you to it. Good luck.

same stuff mostly, like pain

I don’t think words do it justice. I’m bored, but I don’t feel bored. I’m constantly occupied by the pain and panic. I vape a lot and I’m using multiple herbal supplements. My brother is dusting for once. My other brother doesn’t take care of his room. He says it’s not his. There’s some fried chickpeas on my desk, of which I have eaten. There’s nothing to do on the computer. People are so easily entertained. I wonder why media producers get paid any money at all. They’re not contributing anything. I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. My room is decorated appropriately. Music died a long time ago. It’s all based off African drum rhythms now, or else it’s like zen eastern garbage. Classical is really poorly executed stuff. No one’s good at music. The economy has very low standards, and yet there’s barriers to entry everywhere. I wonder how that is even possible to exist. I wish I had a creative outlet, but the thought police probably don’t want me to do anything creative. There’s a severe unmet need in mental health medication, but i don’t think anyone wants to do any work to solve the problem when the only reward is a sum of dollars that buys you into low-quality goods and services from a corrupt economy on a garbaged planet. Sorry, no more medicine or herbs, we killed the Amazon. I miss privacy. I vaguely remember what it felt like. The desert was a good place to me. Desert with some trees in it. Where I store my imaginary red motorcycle. I have a lot to tell the therapist but they haven’t called back yet. Work is going to be so awkward. My psychiatrist is useless. I think all psychiatrists must be. I’m locked out of one of my bank accounts so I put complaining to the bank about it on my to-do list. I don’t like talking to people on the phone so I’m locked out of my account in that way, as well. Dust everywhere, but I don’t notice. Cleaning doesn’t really do anything anymore. The toxins are just there. Nothing can be done about it. Sporadically checking linkedin for like news in the industry/corporate world I’m a part of. Nothing exciting. I don’t really have anything to say. Event this blog entry was stretching it. It doesn’t come naturally anymore. Brain damage or side effect of the antipsychotic. My psychiatrist never thoroughly discussed side effects with me. I think he tricked me into choosing a medication, and even that is a legally fallible statement. I don’t have anything to say. This place has nothing in it. I don’t know where to go. Goodbye.

I’m not interesting and I miss cognitive engagement (the 5 year old who wanted to grow up to be a mathematician)

If blogs are a reflection of how interesting someone’s life is, then I guess my life is not very interesting. It’s hard to put into words what it’s like to be psychically assaulted on a regular basis, and I should probably do more personally inspired creative writing to share the experience (muahaha), but I just don’t have the motivation.

I would be such a higher quality person if I had the motivation to do so many things.

Like study math. I need to study math. I don’t know why.

When I was 5 my dream career was a mathematician.

I lost interest when I attended an after school math club meeting in middle school and it was just math riddles. I didn’t find that very interesting. I don’t like when I like something, and someone shows me something that’s from that thing claiming that that’s what it is, and it discourages me from liking the thing, but really, they’re just twisting what the thing is and making it work for them instead of for me.

But to learn math, you have to learn to read math. And reading math is time-consuming.

Sorry, learning to read math is time-consuming.

I miss cognitive engagement.

A Dream About the Lesbian Mafia amongst other things

I woke up with a headache and a sore throat. Sort of woke up with it in the middle of the night but was able to go back to sleep. I had really nice dreams. One was about the lesbian mafia, and the coming of age of one of the lesbian’s daughter (I am currently reading Stray City so I think there is some transferrance going on here), and there’s this like warm feeling that surrounds the daughter, and everyone is wondering what is going on, and some of the lesbians are starting to find her attractive, and they realize: It’s puberty! That warm feeling, of sensual affection though, was so nice to feel. Her cheeks sort of puffed out a little as she got older.

Another dream was about school, and there were two math classes, one I’ve had in my dreams before where I always don’t understand the material and do very poorly, and another one I forget what it was about. There was an Indian student in my class and I asked him about the classes, or one of them, and he said he understood it fine. Walking together across campus. Also a nice feeling.

Sometimes when you’re sick, AND mentally ill, all that can sustain you is a few good dreams.

I’m sorry if you don’t have good dreams =(.

Here’s an admission, and you have to promise not to tell anyone: I drank too much kratom yesterday. Maybe six or seven cups, at a teaspoon per cup. This is way less than at my peak (every like half an hour with multiple teaspoons per cup), but I don’t want to get tolerized or addicted, so I’m going to resist the cravings for comfort even harder today. Officially, I’m on four teaspoons a day (in my symptoms notebook and in conversation with my mom). It doesn’t make the psychotic symptoms go away, but it gives me the energy to overcome them and see them as not big problems. But I have to learn to cope without the crutch. How do you learn from a plant? Still need to call my senator to tell them I oppose SITSA (look it up), chore.

How are you all doing, lovelies? I realize I swore at you guys and I meant it at the time, but I really felt a lot of negative energy coming from the audience. If you think that’s psychosis then that’s fine, it is what it is. I do have psychosis from time to time. I just have to pretend I don’t and be functional at work soon. This coming week.

I wish for some things… but it’s honestly not that bad. Good dreams tonight. Lesbian entering puberty, starting to become attractive to other lesbians. Such a pleasant and warm dream, the romance of attraction.

Economics and the family (two topics, not related)

Barriers to entry are probably the worst economic force. Really hinders creative growth.

I would be such a good economics professor / economist.

First off: Why does a company’s stock price reflect its value or performance? So far no one on the internet or in my family has been able to answer this simple question. It’s broadly assumed a fact, so I’m worried it’s an unstable foundation of modern economics. Very dangerous.

Second off: I actually don’t have any other ideas right now. Come back later.

Btw family harassing me all day. I don’t understand where they get the energy, motivation, and how they do it.

My family is comprised of really really bad people, in case you were wondering. At least I’m saving money living with them! And it’s “safer”.