A (distant) future in grad school?

I just feel kind of lost in life. My job’s not very fulfilling so I’m toying with the idea of getting my PhD but I’d have to study for the GRE and my attention span is not so good because of  my meds. So I guess it will just take longer, a little at a time. I think GRE scores are good for 5 years so I’ll have some time if I can just score well once. Too bad my original good scores expired. I can’t believe it’s been over 5 years since I took the GRE. Damn.

 

But yeah I would really love to do actual research instead of manual labor for a pharmaceutical company. It’s just a totally different degree of cognitive engagement. Academia is more engaging. But it has its cons, as well. Funding is competitive, as a professor. Money is short. I would also have to T.A. to fund myself, and my attention span issue there, plus poor motivation.

 

One possibility, and this is a stretch, is that if my mental illness gets better for some odd reason (off pot for long enough, possibly?), then I can get off my meds and my attention span and motivation will recover. This is a long-term possibility, thinking like years here. But it’s the best one.

What do you think?

more: gym, psychiatry, harassment, how is the world in my head including the torment of others against me

I wish there was somewhere to go. I have no life. I started using instagram but no one really posts that often or anything interesting. I mean, the product of the volume and quality of the posts is insignificant/little-to-no-difference in my life.

These roasted chickpeas. Great snack. I’m not eating any.

I need to learn how to use paragraphs again. And what the difference between writing and talking is. I’ve been told my sarcasm doesn’t come through in writing. Which means I still have a lot to learn (about writing).

Case in point.

Still vaping. Are there things on my mind? Let’s find out.

Where does this come from. How do I do it. What is going on.

There’s nothing. There’s nothing here.

I’m into the scene. The improv scene. I take standards lightly. I’m medicated and self-medicated, and  hopefully the DEA eases up on kratom. I don’t think it ever caused any of my symptoms. It was pretty obvious to me that it did not. I just have schizoaffective disorder. When will my psychiatrist see that? I guess I will have to lie to him (now that I have the opportunity to do so once again) that I am not on the herbal supplement, by telling him that I am not (which I have been already, but I went back o n it and it’s helping). And then let’s see what he comes to conclusion about with regards to my psychosis, delirium, etc. Hearing voices is a good thing. It still feels like the morning and it’s alread time withheld due to privacy concerns but you can guess huh. I blew it.

Brother’s home so I have to go to the gym at 7:30.

You could learn like all these details about my life and stalk me without ever knowing my name. What an interesting thing.

Do you?

I don’t mean that. I’m just talking. To get the money, you have to talk. These chickpeas sure are something by the side of my computer monitor. I hope my brother had a good day at work. I won’t reveal too many details but he has a “mobile lifestyle”. That’s misleading enough to work. he graons when I type that haha. Feigned laughter.

I’m still vaping. That’s all I do. I’m never productive and when I go to work I will vape less so my lungs will thank me, as well as my circulatory system because apparently nicotine causes vasoconstriction. What’s the opposite? Quiz question. Answer: vasodilation.

I have nothing to do. What do I do. I don’t know what to say. I have nothing to say. Who are you? This is so weird. I have to go back to work soon.

This is a good place to stop byt[sic.] I’m feeling the stream coming on so that’s a good thing. What else is there to say/[sic.] I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. Why do people always harass me and hurt me. I don’t understand. It’d make sense if it was just one  person, but from everyone blanket statement it doesn’t make sense. At least I’m wearing the right underwear today. Girl’s underwear. Makes me feel better. Unfortunately male genitalia are still too large. It’s a shame. I think girls look better in underwear than guys. What else do I say. I’m not sure what to do. I have to go back to work soon. I’m still vaping. I will vape less at work and my lungs will thank me for it. These chickpeas are still by the side of my desk computer monitor. My computer is not so good. it doesn’t even load webpages very well. Neuropathy. I tried ibuprofen and it doesn’t help. Now I have to read textbooks but I don’t have the capacity to read textbooks. I’m still vaping. I don’t know what to do. I had kratom throughout the day and it helps. I’m being careful not to develop an addiction. I’m just addicted to relief from suffering. There’s a giant unmet medical need for mental health medication that’s fast, effective in terms of the population it works for and the degree to which it works for each individual, and with minimal side-effects and low overdose potential. i think that last one is important. I don’t know what to say. I have nothing to do.

Okay new paragraph. I’m still vaping. Arguments all the time. I’m always in an argument against my will. I don’t know what’s wrong. I never know what’s wrong.

Now I don’t know what to say or what to do. But I’m not having a panic attack. Not all panic attacks show physiological symptoms, don’t be fooled by the lies. What you have cuold be panic attacks. If it makes you feel better to know that’s what they are, then go ahead nad know it. Better nad know it. Optimization problem <–

What else. I don’t have anything to say. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. Hold on I have to brb and do a chore quickly.


Okay I took care of the chore. Though I have to go to the gym every day, which is a pain mostly because I am subliminally harassed by all the strangers there, including sexually, something. i forgot what I was going to say. You finish the sentence.

I have to go the gym tonight as well. I’m still vaping. Do I vape too much? I do believe there are many unrecognized and possibly recognizable with the correct analytical equipment toxics including neurotoxins in the environment in which people live, including myself.

My medical program hasn’t even taught me how to recognize paranoia. You’d think that would be a very basic thing to teach in a congitive behavioral therapy class but they never talked about that. I stopped going because it did not help with my pain spikes and other people harassing me. It’s hard for me to understand how increasing one’s cognitive self-intervention capacity is supposed to change the behavior of other people whom you are not interacting with but who aggress towards you.

What else am I supposed to say now. I should do more chores. I have to go to the gym this evening. I don’t like going to the gym because people harass me there, including sexually. Most people sexually harass me most of the time. I have to eat dinner before I go. I didn’t have lunch as I had no appetite. I think my body is finally feasting on its fat insteading of producing more. Did you see the psychogrammatical twist there? Interesting. Stomach ache. I have to go to the gym tonight which I hate because people sexually harass me there for no reason. I don’t like people who harass me because it hurts.

I think this blog post it long enough. I could go on but I’ll leave you to it. Good luck.

This place is sort of the unofficial log of my schizophrenia. I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder but I’m not depressed anymore so I think the diagnosis should be changed to bona fide schizophrenia but they didn’t do that because psychiatry is an ineffectuate shitshow. I can’t stay in my room too long because of the ants. What I mean is, there aren’t actual ants here, but I am antsy. I am restless. I can’t just sit or stand and enjoy being alive. I am not happy to be alive. There is nothing to be happy about, and I am not happy about nothing. My mood is not too good. The voices show hints of starting in the afternoon and progress pretty seriously, regularly, in the evening. So that’s like around four to five or probably sooner is more accurate, as I am wont to dumb things down and make everything seem rosy when it’s not. No one knows who I am, and they say they understand my condition but they don’t. My dad doesn’t even think I have one. He’s opted for the conspiracy theory one, where the government intelligent agencies are using advanced technology to disrupt my cognitive patterns. His too. He has schizophrenia, paranoid, but his is undiagnosed and he doesn’t want to believe it’s a medical condition. He’s never done drugs so he has no idea how powerful the human mind is. I have so I have a hint, but even if I hadn’t I think I would still be convinced it’s a medical condition. But I’m not. When I’m schizophrenic, I believe voices are real, and I’ve given up trying to explain how they happen. I.e. what their mechanism is. So my condition is calling and I can’t write anymore right now. My instincts are fucked, I get called by them to get up and walk down the stairs, go outside, vape a few minutes, go back inside, sit at the computer, realize I have nothing to do here, vape a little, go back outside downstairs, repeat the whole process ad nauseum. I can’t read. I envy, really really, people who love reading. It’s such a rewarding peaceful thing. My mind is not at peace. I have to go back to work in a month and I hope I will probably be able to, but I don’t anticipate my condition leaving any time soon. I think this may be permanent. I think I just don’t have a life anymore.