Why doesn’t venting work anymore. I could talk about my problems until the grass dies but it still doesn’t do anything. I used to be able to blog about my problems and I would feel better, back in college. No such luck these days. I just can’t settle down anymore.
I vape and drink kratom. I’d take your advice on whether you think these may be unhealthy, but I know no one reads this so I’m not expecting anything.
My diet is more or less healthy. Lots of home-cooked meals by my mom. Yeah, I’d say it’s pretty healthy. I don’t eat any fruit but I do eat vegetables. I don’t eat a lot of fast food or snacks. I don’t drink very much water but I’m never thirsty. I exercise 30 min a day pretty rigorously (10 min cardio + weights). And about an hour of intense tennis on the weekend.
I have a supportive family but no friends. Some coworkers are the devil and others are really cool, but the cool ones tend to get overshadowed by the devils. I dote on the problems I have with the bad ones.
I can’t really read, I don’t have the attention span. I just have to move a lot, can’t relax enough to read. You know how you have to be relaxed to read? i’m not sufficiently relaxed. Ever. I can read poems and that’s about it. I made my way through a 300 page novel in a month or two recently by reading ten pages at a time. It wasn’t altogether pleasant. I wish I liked reading like some people like reading. You guys who think it’s an addiction, you’re lucky. All the worlds for you to explore. Man. Not being able to read sucks. A lot.
I don’t really have any hobbies. I just look at pictures on Pinterest in my free time. I’m on psych meds but no antidepressants. I see my psychiatrist from time to time. My labs checked out, cholesterol isn’t high. No vitamin deficiencies. I don’t know what to say. Why am I so miserable, this restlessness. Could it be the vaping? Can nicotine do this to you? Thing is, i vape because I’m restless, as a way to occupy my nerves. So if it’s causing it then it’s a circular feedback loop, which wouldn’t be good. I would love to quit vaping, but it’s attached to me. I don’t see it happening anytime soon. And I have a suspicion that patches cause psychosis for me, it’s happened a few times but it’s hard to say for sure. My psychotic episodes are still around, once every few weeks, which isn’t that bad and most of the time I can survive it. I feel so weak when I’m having a psychotic episode. It’s borderline autism. Like normal people and family are yelling at me psychically, or with their body language, everything is hyper accentuated and over the top blown up. Everything is more than it is. There’s meaning in every little move everyone makes and it’s the meaning that hurts me and overwhelms me. Is that autism? I don’t know. I feel like my doctors never spent enough time diagnosing me for things. I’m not sure I have GAD or ADHD. Not sure.
To those of you who read this: Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to care about me. I’m so alone you don’t know. It’s not that bad, but it’s bad often. I have so many problems. Work is a struggle with the anxiety levels so high. I feel guilty because I take so many short breaks. And worried I will get caught and fired or something. They’ll definitely talk to me first. Right? I don’t know. I don’t know what’s reasonable anymore. I feel like that’s a true statement for me in general. I don’t know what’s reasonable. What’s reasonable to think. What kind of thoughts are okay imagination to play with your reality and what’s causing me harm and out of control.
I guess that’s it.