Update of the day, today, this day, and other days in recent times, possibly the future as well, centered around the tenth of September, the year is 2018 goddamnit.

In the interest of continuing with blog therapy, with keeping this blog as the venting portal after work/school/whatever it is these days, I must say some things.

First off, I do not like one of my coworkers at all. He lightened up after he finished some reports or something, data analysis of unannotated data, which was apparently very difficult and time-consuming for him and something he said he never wants to do again (sort of like my daily?). No I mean my daily is not analysis of unannotated data, just that it’s something I never want to do again–and that I have to do every day. I’m weaker than everyone at work.

He said to bring any side projects I have been working on to our small group meeting tomorrow, him me and our boss. I haven’t any beside the instrument startup development I’ve been doing. But it makes me think he thinks I must be working on something during on all the incubations when–out with it–I’ve been vaping outside and talking to my mom on th ephoen. I get my regular work done but I just dno’t have the stamina for anything extra. I’m scared the’re going to find out I vape an hour a day or something like that I guess. I don’t know. Who cares. Bleh.

And I just realized and totally don’t care but do I need to write about it? My presentation for the instrument dev is about forty slides long, nearly each slide a screenshot. I don’t know if we’ll have time to go through all that but no one cares. I certainly don’t.

Other life updates: Mom says not to get somnolent on the kratom as I am on a benzo and that could stop my heart or something like that. So I’m supposed to be using less. They better not make it illegal; it’s the only joy in my life. Vaping is a baseline, kratom is a joy.

I really do wish I had better mental and physical stamina at work. Basic operations are very tedious for me and I have to mentally prepare like a few minutes just to do them.

What else do you want to know? I’ve spilled my guts.

I don’t have any friends, you guys. But you don’t care about that either. I wonder what you do care about. By you I mean imaginary audience in delocalized spacetime.

I should start doing math.

See every though that starts in my mind dies a fraction of a second later. I’m not ever going to do any math because it’s hard work and if there’s anything I loathe it’s hard work. Hard work. Mann.

I still don’t  talk to my brothers because I don’t know how to. I miss playing with them. Maybe if we played some video game together or something. I don’t know how to organize that. No maybe I do. But do I have the will? The barrier is so strong, I feel like I’m not even supposed to. Italics on supposed.

Earliest available psych apt is like end of the month. How can he be so busy? With all four of his clients?  I’m just guessing he has four. I don’t know how many they assign to each psychiatrist. I vented to him and he said he appreciated how hard it is for me or something like that. My head feels a little screwed on more straight now than normal. I’m not sure. I still have to go to the gym tonight.

Work just horrifies me. I don’t know why. That was the warmup. This is the distillation. I don’t do distillations. I’m not a chemist. Sort of. I sort of am but mostly I’m not. I don’t do distillations. In fact, I hate working in labs. I was supposed to go into theoretical physics because my favorite thing in school was solving physics problems in paper and pencil. I could have made a career out of it but I got enamoured with the theory italics of biology, overlooking the fact that biologists work in labs. I was also supposed to double major biology physics but I fucked that one up. And I was supposed to go to grad school in Boston instead of California but I fucked that one up too. I didn’t even meet anyone in grad school. What a total waste of time except it got me a nice piece of paper and one more project to brag about.

I’m so horrified of work.

Beer tonight? No more than two. I had four one time recently and it wasn’t fun at all. That means I’m getting older. I’ll be thirty soon. Too old. Too old and underachieved. But just look at my parents. God all their family’s dead.

Just look at it.

I might add more to this later but for now some more ktea and maybe vaping in th ebackyard. I’m supposed to be designing a video game with my mom but I loathe hard work so I don’t work on it. So she has no escape from her job until she retires in four years. Sorry, mom.

The good news is I hardly have any psychosis at all at work. But there’s more than enough anxiety to make up for it. I told my boss I’m anxious and he was supportive saying if I’m ever stretched too thin I can ask for help from the team. I’m not stretched too thin. I just can’t do basic tasks without great strain. What am I.

What is this. Any of this. Go away.


Okay here I am again. I really have no life. I started looking at pictures on Pinterest but it’s really insipid. The world is not treating my well. But I’m not an animal being eaten alive. All these horrible things happen and we’re just supposed to go along living.


I really need a life. I’m part dead.


I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. I am a drug addict. I don’t find joy from anything in life.


I vape about an hour a day at work. I’ve timed it before. But it might be more. I might be wasting company time because I have poor mental and physical stamina and am chronically fatigued.

What went wrong. Nothing happened. Saying that was supposed to solve all my problems. VENTING DOESN’T WORK ANYMORE! Fuck.

I could get caught and then I would have to vape less. Then what would I do to rebuild stmaina for the tedium of my job?


Aftermath


I’m really worried about work, you guys.


I don’t know what else to say.


You guys I’m getting better.


All I know is I’m really enjoying this beer.

You guys I don’t feel very good. Two more days this week but do I have a weekend to look forward to? The answer is no. I don’t have a life. I can’t settle down. I’m shallow, the way I feel. I don’t know how to describe it. There’s no deep meaning or value in anything, not even gentle pleasure. I can’t feel anything. My life is over.

My Problems

Why doesn’t venting work anymore. I could talk about my problems until the grass dies but it still doesn’t do anything. I used to be able to blog about my problems and I would feel better, back in college. No such luck these days. I just can’t settle down anymore.

I vape and drink kratom. I’d take your advice on whether you think these may be unhealthy, but I know no one reads this so I’m not expecting anything.

My diet is more or less healthy. Lots of home-cooked meals by my mom. Yeah, I’d say it’s pretty healthy. I don’t eat any fruit but I do eat vegetables. I don’t eat a lot of fast food or snacks. I don’t drink very much water  but I’m never thirsty. I exercise 30 min a day pretty rigorously (10 min cardio + weights). And about an hour of intense tennis on the weekend.

I have a supportive family but no friends. Some coworkers are the devil and others are really cool, but the cool ones tend to get overshadowed by the devils. I dote on the problems I have with the bad ones.

I can’t really read, I don’t have the attention span. I just have to move a lot, can’t relax enough to read. You know how you have to be relaxed to read? i’m not sufficiently relaxed. Ever. I can read poems and that’s about it. I made my way through a 300 page novel in a month or two recently by reading ten pages at a time. It wasn’t altogether pleasant. I wish I liked reading like some people like reading. You guys who think it’s an addiction, you’re lucky. All the worlds for you to explore. Man. Not being able to read sucks. A lot.

I don’t really have any hobbies. I just look at pictures on Pinterest in my free time. I’m on psych meds but no antidepressants. I see my psychiatrist from time to time. My labs checked out, cholesterol isn’t high. No vitamin deficiencies. I don’t know what to say. Why am I so miserable, this restlessness. Could it be the vaping? Can nicotine do this to you? Thing is, i vape because I’m restless, as a way to occupy my nerves. So if it’s causing it then it’s a circular feedback loop, which wouldn’t be good. I would love to quit vaping, but it’s attached to me. I don’t see it happening anytime soon. And I have a suspicion that patches cause psychosis for me, it’s happened a few times but it’s hard to say for sure. My psychotic episodes are still around, once every few weeks, which isn’t that bad and most of the time I can survive it. I feel so weak when I’m having a psychotic episode. It’s borderline autism. Like normal people and family are yelling at me psychically, or with their body language, everything is hyper accentuated and over the top blown up. Everything is more than it is. There’s meaning in every little move everyone makes and it’s the meaning that hurts me and overwhelms me. Is that autism? I don’t know. I feel like my doctors never spent enough time diagnosing me for things. I’m not sure I have GAD or ADHD. Not sure.

To those of you who read this: Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to care about me. I’m so alone you don’t know. It’s not that bad, but it’s bad often. I have so many problems. Work is a struggle with the anxiety levels so high. I feel guilty because I take so many short breaks. And worried I will get caught and fired or something. They’ll definitely talk to me first. Right? I don’t know. I don’t know what’s reasonable anymore.  I feel like that’s a true statement for me in general. I don’t know what’s reasonable. What’s reasonable to think. What kind of thoughts are okay imagination to play with your reality and what’s causing me harm and out of control.

I guess that’s it.

I’m a Lost One

I just don’t know what to do. Something keeps beating me down. What should be enough is no longer enough. I don’t know what went wrong, and where. It’s powerful. It’s really strong. I don’t know if it’s trying to ruin my life, or if I’m contingent or some such. Or maybe my brain just isn’t capable of feeling deep genuine pleasure or peace anymore. That’d be a form of brain damage. Sometimes it feels like there’s something out there, though, and sometimes they’re very immediate things like family and my company. My company is evil. That’s about all there is to it. They pay me.

I want to get away somewhere. I don’t know where to go to escape. There is none. Not for me. I went to Hawaii recently, and had terrible psychosis there. Nightmares. But beside that, it’s the restlessness. I can’t even settle down in Hawaii. It must be me. That seems to be the logical conclusion.

I don’t know what to tell you.

 

Yeah society is definitely playing a part in destroying me.

You guys I just feel awful. I don’t know what to say. Nothing makes me feel good. Exercise isn’t worth it. What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do? I have a job, and I take too many breaks because my stamina is awful and I am bad at doing things I am not comfortable with. But maybe I can get better at labwork in the long run. Maybe I will be promoted in a few years. I am drinking beers and vaping and I had lots of kratom (not that much). It all helps, except medical mechanica says it’s bad for me. I have only 2 beers a day now. Are you proud of me that I reigned that in? So drinking is no longer a problem. Technically the only unhealthy thing for me now is the excessive lung vaping. That could be damaging my lungs and esophagus. Who knows.

I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know any of this. I miss my brothers. I live with them. But we don’t really live together. They haven’t been doing well lately. One of them got a job. Yeah. That kind of doing well. I don’t know what else to say to make things better. There’s nothing I can do. Why cna’t I just go away somewhere.

There’s always the risk of getting fired.

I don’t play computer games anymore. I can hardly read. I can’t really focus on anything. Maybe I should get that therapist that I was referred to. Maybe some things cross the line. maybe I’m a hoot. who knows. I’m not so sure. I miss my brothers. They’re missing in my life.

I miss everything I used to have. All the feelings and experiences.

 

tldr bye

father’s vacation and my book of poetry

Well my dad is going on vacation and the house is oddly quiet now. My brother middle and mother are driving him to the airport. He has a form of schizophrenia where he thinks the CIA and the FBi and government U.S. in general are terrorizing him and us, his family. And he thinks government organizations have influenced his decisions all his life, ruining his life. He talks about this often.

He’s going on vacation to Europe. I won’t specify where, to keep some semblance of anonymity/safety. But I wonder how his absence will affect my symptoms, the paranoia of family harassing me with mental words. Thought-voices. I am his son, it seems.

That’s an odd place to stop. But I don’t have anything else to say. I got a book of poetry and am reading it. I like it very much.