In the interest of continuing with blog therapy, with keeping this blog as the venting portal after work/school/whatever it is these days, I must say some things.
First off, I do not like one of my coworkers at all. He lightened up after he finished some reports or something, data analysis of unannotated data, which was apparently very difficult and time-consuming for him and something he said he never wants to do again (sort of like my daily?). No I mean my daily is not analysis of unannotated data, just that it’s something I never want to do again–and that I have to do every day. I’m weaker than everyone at work.
He said to bring any side projects I have been working on to our small group meeting tomorrow, him me and our boss. I haven’t any beside the instrument startup development I’ve been doing. But it makes me think he thinks I must be working on something during on all the incubations when–out with it–I’ve been vaping outside and talking to my mom on th ephoen. I get my regular work done but I just dno’t have the stamina for anything extra. I’m scared the’re going to find out I vape an hour a day or something like that I guess. I don’t know. Who cares. Bleh.
And I just realized and totally don’t care but do I need to write about it? My presentation for the instrument dev is about forty slides long, nearly each slide a screenshot. I don’t know if we’ll have time to go through all that but no one cares. I certainly don’t.
Other life updates: Mom says not to get somnolent on the kratom as I am on a benzo and that could stop my heart or something like that. So I’m supposed to be using less. They better not make it illegal; it’s the only joy in my life. Vaping is a baseline, kratom is a joy.
I really do wish I had better mental and physical stamina at work. Basic operations are very tedious for me and I have to mentally prepare like a few minutes just to do them.
What else do you want to know? I’ve spilled my guts.
I don’t have any friends, you guys. But you don’t care about that either. I wonder what you do care about. By you I mean imaginary audience in delocalized spacetime.
I should start doing math.
See every though that starts in my mind dies a fraction of a second later. I’m not ever going to do any math because it’s hard work and if there’s anything I loathe it’s hard work. Hard work. Mann.
I still don’t talk to my brothers because I don’t know how to. I miss playing with them. Maybe if we played some video game together or something. I don’t know how to organize that. No maybe I do. But do I have the will? The barrier is so strong, I feel like I’m not even supposed to. Italics on supposed.
Earliest available psych apt is like end of the month. How can he be so busy? With all four of his clients? I’m just guessing he has four. I don’t know how many they assign to each psychiatrist. I vented to him and he said he appreciated how hard it is for me or something like that. My head feels a little screwed on more straight now than normal. I’m not sure. I still have to go to the gym tonight.
Work just horrifies me. I don’t know why. That was the warmup. This is the distillation. I don’t do distillations. I’m not a chemist. Sort of. I sort of am but mostly I’m not. I don’t do distillations. In fact, I hate working in labs. I was supposed to go into theoretical physics because my favorite thing in school was solving physics problems in paper and pencil. I could have made a career out of it but I got enamoured with the theory italics of biology, overlooking the fact that biologists work in labs. I was also supposed to double major biology physics but I fucked that one up. And I was supposed to go to grad school in Boston instead of California but I fucked that one up too. I didn’t even meet anyone in grad school. What a total waste of time except it got me a nice piece of paper and one more project to brag about.
I’m so horrified of work.
Beer tonight? No more than two. I had four one time recently and it wasn’t fun at all. That means I’m getting older. I’ll be thirty soon. Too old. Too old and underachieved. But just look at my parents. God all their family’s dead.
Just look at it.
I might add more to this later but for now some more ktea and maybe vaping in th ebackyard. I’m supposed to be designing a video game with my mom but I loathe hard work so I don’t work on it. So she has no escape from her job until she retires in four years. Sorry, mom.
The good news is I hardly have any psychosis at all at work. But there’s more than enough anxiety to make up for it. I told my boss I’m anxious and he was supportive saying if I’m ever stretched too thin I can ask for help from the team. I’m not stretched too thin. I just can’t do basic tasks without great strain. What am I.
What is this. Any of this. Go away.
Okay here I am again. I really have no life. I started looking at pictures on Pinterest but it’s really insipid. The world is not treating my well. But I’m not an animal being eaten alive. All these horrible things happen and we’re just supposed to go along living.
I really need a life. I’m part dead.
I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. I am a drug addict. I don’t find joy from anything in life.
I vape about an hour a day at work. I’ve timed it before. But it might be more. I might be wasting company time because I have poor mental and physical stamina and am chronically fatigued.
What went wrong. Nothing happened. Saying that was supposed to solve all my problems. VENTING DOESN’T WORK ANYMORE! Fuck.
I could get caught and then I would have to vape less. Then what would I do to rebuild stmaina for the tedium of my job?
I’m really worried about work, you guys.
I don’t know what else to say.
You guys I’m getting better.
All I know is I’m really enjoying this beer.