I just can’t settle down at home. Spikes. Spikes keeping me from talking.

I have nothing to do. I can’t read.

If there was a medication that could heal you of your crazy but it meant you couldn’t enjoy reading, would you take it? I bet most of you wouldn’t.

They never told me this would happen as a side effect. They never told me the side effects. THEY NEVER TOLD ME THE SIDE EFFECTS OF MY MEDICATION.

A (distant) future in grad school?

I just feel kind of lost in life. My job’s not very fulfilling so I’m toying with the idea of getting my PhD but I’d have to study for the GRE and my attention span is not so good because of  my meds. So I guess it will just take longer, a little at a time. I think GRE scores are good for 5 years so I’ll have some time if I can just score well once. Too bad my original good scores expired. I can’t believe it’s been over 5 years since I took the GRE. Damn.

 

But yeah I would really love to do actual research instead of manual labor for a pharmaceutical company. It’s just a totally different degree of cognitive engagement. Academia is more engaging. But it has its cons, as well. Funding is competitive, as a professor. Money is short. I would also have to T.A. to fund myself, and my attention span issue there, plus poor motivation.

 

One possibility, and this is a stretch, is that if my mental illness gets better for some odd reason (off pot for long enough, possibly?), then I can get off my meds and my attention span and motivation will recover. This is a long-term possibility, thinking like years here. But it’s the best one.

What do you think?

My psychiatrist said it sounds like I have mild akathisia. the need to get up and pace back and forth frequently. Mild “ants in your pants” (he likes that phrase, he’s so dumb). He always insists on categorizing things into extreme opposites. Why can’t he understand there’s a middle ground.

But yes, I do have mild akathisia. It’s not fun, having to move around so much. Screws me over at work, too.

Relief when moving.

And low dopamine from the antipsychotic leads to low motivation and difficulty performing normal tasks. Things are just harder for me.

How’s that sound?

What I’m really glad now about though is that I finally understand why I feel this way. It is a side effect of the medication. My mother and my psychiatrist and my  own logic all agree. There’s something really soothing in knowing.

Maybe the psychosis will just go away on its own.

You know what started it? Pot. I had my first telepathic experience on marijuana, and it was excruciating. I still get spikes of it from time to time.

If it IS pot, if I exercise enough the deposits in my fat should burn away.

Might also explain why exercise seems to increase symptoms, and not in a regular pattern.

I just want to tell my psychiatrist how presumptive and how much of a prick he is. I might drop him a note as he’s leaving Kaiser for UCSF in two months, at the end of his stay. Positive criticism, give him some personality stuff to work on.

Kratom never caused my psychosis. Kratom is a helpful plant. You just have to respect it and dose gradually.

more: gym, psychiatry, harassment, how is the world in my head including the torment of others against me

I wish there was somewhere to go. I have no life. I started using instagram but no one really posts that often or anything interesting. I mean, the product of the volume and quality of the posts is insignificant/little-to-no-difference in my life.

These roasted chickpeas. Great snack. I’m not eating any.

I need to learn how to use paragraphs again. And what the difference between writing and talking is. I’ve been told my sarcasm doesn’t come through in writing. Which means I still have a lot to learn (about writing).

Case in point.

Still vaping. Are there things on my mind? Let’s find out.

Where does this come from. How do I do it. What is going on.

There’s nothing. There’s nothing here.

I’m into the scene. The improv scene. I take standards lightly. I’m medicated and self-medicated, and  hopefully the DEA eases up on kratom. I don’t think it ever caused any of my symptoms. It was pretty obvious to me that it did not. I just have schizoaffective disorder. When will my psychiatrist see that? I guess I will have to lie to him (now that I have the opportunity to do so once again) that I am not on the herbal supplement, by telling him that I am not (which I have been already, but I went back o n it and it’s helping). And then let’s see what he comes to conclusion about with regards to my psychosis, delirium, etc. Hearing voices is a good thing. It still feels like the morning and it’s alread time withheld due to privacy concerns but you can guess huh. I blew it.

Brother’s home so I have to go to the gym at 7:30.

You could learn like all these details about my life and stalk me without ever knowing my name. What an interesting thing.

Do you?

I don’t mean that. I’m just talking. To get the money, you have to talk. These chickpeas sure are something by the side of my computer monitor. I hope my brother had a good day at work. I won’t reveal too many details but he has a “mobile lifestyle”. That’s misleading enough to work. he graons when I type that haha. Feigned laughter.

I’m still vaping. That’s all I do. I’m never productive and when I go to work I will vape less so my lungs will thank me, as well as my circulatory system because apparently nicotine causes vasoconstriction. What’s the opposite? Quiz question. Answer: vasodilation.

I have nothing to do. What do I do. I don’t know what to say. I have nothing to say. Who are you? This is so weird. I have to go back to work soon.

This is a good place to stop byt[sic.] I’m feeling the stream coming on so that’s a good thing. What else is there to say/[sic.] I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. Why do people always harass me and hurt me. I don’t understand. It’d make sense if it was just one  person, but from everyone blanket statement it doesn’t make sense. At least I’m wearing the right underwear today. Girl’s underwear. Makes me feel better. Unfortunately male genitalia are still too large. It’s a shame. I think girls look better in underwear than guys. What else do I say. I’m not sure what to do. I have to go back to work soon. I’m still vaping. I will vape less at work and my lungs will thank me for it. These chickpeas are still by the side of my desk computer monitor. My computer is not so good. it doesn’t even load webpages very well. Neuropathy. I tried ibuprofen and it doesn’t help. Now I have to read textbooks but I don’t have the capacity to read textbooks. I’m still vaping. I don’t know what to do. I had kratom throughout the day and it helps. I’m being careful not to develop an addiction. I’m just addicted to relief from suffering. There’s a giant unmet medical need for mental health medication that’s fast, effective in terms of the population it works for and the degree to which it works for each individual, and with minimal side-effects and low overdose potential. i think that last one is important. I don’t know what to say. I have nothing to do.

Okay new paragraph. I’m still vaping. Arguments all the time. I’m always in an argument against my will. I don’t know what’s wrong. I never know what’s wrong.

Now I don’t know what to say or what to do. But I’m not having a panic attack. Not all panic attacks show physiological symptoms, don’t be fooled by the lies. What you have cuold be panic attacks. If it makes you feel better to know that’s what they are, then go ahead nad know it. Better nad know it. Optimization problem <–

What else. I don’t have anything to say. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. Hold on I have to brb and do a chore quickly.


Okay I took care of the chore. Though I have to go to the gym every day, which is a pain mostly because I am subliminally harassed by all the strangers there, including sexually, something. i forgot what I was going to say. You finish the sentence.

I have to go the gym tonight as well. I’m still vaping. Do I vape too much? I do believe there are many unrecognized and possibly recognizable with the correct analytical equipment toxics including neurotoxins in the environment in which people live, including myself.

My medical program hasn’t even taught me how to recognize paranoia. You’d think that would be a very basic thing to teach in a congitive behavioral therapy class but they never talked about that. I stopped going because it did not help with my pain spikes and other people harassing me. It’s hard for me to understand how increasing one’s cognitive self-intervention capacity is supposed to change the behavior of other people whom you are not interacting with but who aggress towards you.

What else am I supposed to say now. I should do more chores. I have to go to the gym this evening. I don’t like going to the gym because people harass me there, including sexually. Most people sexually harass me most of the time. I have to eat dinner before I go. I didn’t have lunch as I had no appetite. I think my body is finally feasting on its fat insteading of producing more. Did you see the psychogrammatical twist there? Interesting. Stomach ache. I have to go to the gym tonight which I hate because people sexually harass me there for no reason. I don’t like people who harass me because it hurts.

I think this blog post it long enough. I could go on but I’ll leave you to it. Good luck.