I just can’t settle down at home. Spikes. Spikes keeping me from talking.
I really need something really badly, but I don’t know what it is.
I think my brain just wants its dopamine back. Cut the risperdal shit.
Why doesn’t blogging bring me joy anymore.
It must be my antipsychotic. I wasn’t on dopamine suppressants in college. I know. That’s it.
My meds are still treating me like shit, as you can tell.
I just feel kind of lost in life. My job’s not very fulfilling so I’m toying with the idea of getting my PhD but I’d have to study for the GRE and my attention span is not so good because of my meds. So I guess it will just take longer, a little at a time. I think GRE scores are good for 5 years so I’ll have some time if I can just score well once. Too bad my original good scores expired. I can’t believe it’s been over 5 years since I took the GRE. Damn.
But yeah I would really love to do actual research instead of manual labor for a pharmaceutical company. It’s just a totally different degree of cognitive engagement. Academia is more engaging. But it has its cons, as well. Funding is competitive, as a professor. Money is short. I would also have to T.A. to fund myself, and my attention span issue there, plus poor motivation.
One possibility, and this is a stretch, is that if my mental illness gets better for some odd reason (off pot for long enough, possibly?), then I can get off my meds and my attention span and motivation will recover. This is a long-term possibility, thinking like years here. But it’s the best one.
What do you think?
My problem is I need intellectual fulfillment, but my dopamine system is destroyed so I receive no pleasure from actually performing intellectually fulfilling things, and in fact they are painful. It’s a Catch 22 and it ruins my life.
The problem with having a dopamine deficiency is you don’t find that cozy pleasure from things that you love. You’re part dead inside.