A (distant) future in grad school?

I just feel kind of lost in life. My job’s not very fulfilling so I’m toying with the idea of getting my PhD but I’d have to study for the GRE and my attention span is not so good because of  my meds. So I guess it will just take longer, a little at a time. I think GRE scores are good for 5 years so I’ll have some time if I can just score well once. Too bad my original good scores expired. I can’t believe it’s been over 5 years since I took the GRE. Damn.


But yeah I would really love to do actual research instead of manual labor for a pharmaceutical company. It’s just a totally different degree of cognitive engagement. Academia is more engaging. But it has its cons, as well. Funding is competitive, as a professor. Money is short. I would also have to T.A. to fund myself, and my attention span issue there, plus poor motivation.


One possibility, and this is a stretch, is that if my mental illness gets better for some odd reason (off pot for long enough, possibly?), then I can get off my meds and my attention span and motivation will recover. This is a long-term possibility, thinking like years here. But it’s the best one.

What do you think?

My psychiatrist said it sounds like I have mild akathisia. the need to get up and pace back and forth frequently. Mild “ants in your pants” (he likes that phrase, he’s so dumb). He always insists on categorizing things into extreme opposites. Why can’t he understand there’s a middle ground.

But yes, I do have mild akathisia. It’s not fun, having to move around so much. Screws me over at work, too.

Relief when moving.

And low dopamine from the antipsychotic leads to low motivation and difficulty performing normal tasks. Things are just harder for me.

How’s that sound?

What I’m really glad now about though is that I finally understand why I feel this way. It is a side effect of the medication. My mother and my psychiatrist and my  own logic all agree. There’s something really soothing in knowing.

Maybe the psychosis will just go away on its own.

You know what started it? Pot. I had my first telepathic experience on marijuana, and it was excruciating. I still get spikes of it from time to time.

If it IS pot, if I exercise enough the deposits in my fat should burn away.

Might also explain why exercise seems to increase symptoms, and not in a regular pattern.

I just want to tell my psychiatrist how presumptive and how much of a prick he is. I might drop him a note as he’s leaving Kaiser for UCSF in two months, at the end of his stay. Positive criticism, give him some personality stuff to work on.

Kratom never caused my psychosis. Kratom is a helpful plant. You just have to respect it and dose gradually.

You guys I have psychotic symptoms and on top of that I don’t have a life. Everyone’s watching me very very closely and monitoring my movement and moving in response to things they don’t like. My mom is downstairs and I’m upstairs in my room and she’s listening to my eyeballs move in their sockets so she knows what I’m looking at on the ocmputer screen and if she doesn’t like what I’m looking at she interrupts by making noise downstairs.

Okay updating again. My brother is harassing me and maybe I have learned something. Why is psychiatry so useless. I just want to tell to my psychiatrist’s face how useless he is. Sigh.

Survived(?) a fuckton of assault and threat from all the strangers at the beach here, there were fireworks and it was a disaster. Everyone was “well-behaved” and “orderly”, meaning passive aggressive vicious Americans. And apparently Japanese, since they come here too. So cross Japan out of the ideal vacation spots. They don’t seem like good people, either. Very aggressive. They harass peaceful harmless people like me.

What have you been up to? I don’t hear a lot about you. I don’t really even know who you are. Are you on vacation too? I wish we could talk. But you’re just an Audience, and that’s not how the interaction works. I’m not allowed to say or do a lot of things, at the moment because brother the youngest is repressing me with threats of violence. So I don’t really have any freedom. I live in America. So there you go! Census done.

I hope your day is going well. Let me know how you feel tomorrow, okay?



Not much to update re symptoms. Still an onslaught from strangers. I think i know what it feels like to be autistic. I have to ask my psychiatrist how bad the restlessness was on 5 mg risperdal, cuz i am considering upping back to that. Is telepathy normal? Is it real if every single thought from every single person is negative and scarring? I dont understand why strangers attack me. Most places are not safe. How are you doing? Vacation is harder than work for me. If my symptoms get this bad at work i fear i wont be able to work. Thats why i think maybe increasing the antipsychotic. Why can everyone read my mind. The main question i always return to is Why? Why is this happening? Why do people treat me this way?